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Friday, May 26, 2006
Now That's What I Call Shitty Music 
So there's this, how you say, shittiest mix tape competition thing underway inspired as you may have guessed by that heelarious viral video that was going around a while back. And of course by shitty shitty music. Jessie and I had discussed throwing down in this particular arena before so I'd been giving it a little bit of thought, but I had no idea just how tough it'd be to pare things down to just 5 songs. Somehow, a lot of them ended up in the "hard rock" category. Hm... Well enough of my yakkin', here goes:

The Mix:

Hulk Hogan and The Wrestling Boot Band - Beach Patrol
From the opening "mega realistic record scratching noise" onwards, all signs point to this track being an absolute trainwreck. It might be unfair to expect Hulk Hogan (in 1995 no less) to record anything other than the worst song ever, but I'm just amazed just how FAR off the mark this song is in every way possible. Check it out, check it in.

Manowar - Pleasure Slave
This song would probably be much more offensive than it is if it weren't so amazingly, mind-bendlingly ridiculous. And if it hadn't been recorded by guys dressed like this. Notable for featuring some of the most amazingly unconvincing female moaning on any record ever.

Stryper - Honestly
I love me a good power ballad. This isn't one. Extra points for a couple of kind of off notes in the middle keyboard solo. And how awful the lead singer's voice sounds when he comes in. And for it being Stryper.

Ugly Kid Joe - Everything About You
I think there may have been a point at which young me thought this song was a totally kick ass fuck you to the whole world. That alone is kinda depressing. Hearing this song for the first time in years though, man does it suck, from the Pat from SNL opening snippet to the Pee Wee Herman style "about yoooooooooooouuuuuuu". I thought maybe I'd find a soft spot in my heart for this one but no dice. Sorry younger me.

Lou Bega - Mambo No. 5
Sure, it seems like an easy go-to song for a shitty mix tape, but in reviewing all of the potential candidates for my personal shitty mix tape it was the only one that I couldn't even get all the way through ONCE, without skipping to the next track. I managed just fine with the trance remix of When The Children Cry (see below) but Mambo No. 5? No dice, thus earning it the coveted #5 slot.

Alternates:

I'll admit i had a lot of trouble paring the bad music I've got lying around to just 5 and it'd be a shame to leave some of these other fine tracks unrecognized... So:

Hulk Hogan and The Wrestling Boot Band - Hulkster in Heaven
Oh I know, TWO Hulk Hogan songs? But the man (and his writing staff) are geniuses. Just listen to this moving ballad written by the Hulkster to a deceased fan and try to fault me for laughing at what's really kind of a sweet song when you get right down to it. Just try.

Mucky Pup - Three Dead Gophers
Yeah at some point I think I actually thought Mucky Pup was kind of bad ass and funny. I was young. I blame Jersey. Man this song sucks. It's like Jackyl without the charm or power tools.

When The Children Cry (Mark Oh Trance Remix) - White Lion
Seriously just listen to it and brace yourself for 00:40 where the shit really kicks in. Try not to snort whatever your drinking all over yourself. For the record though, I want to state that Vito Brata of White Lion could fucking shred.

Gal's Panic - Gal's Panic
People give me a lot of shit for having been in a Ska band in my younger days. Increasingly I understand why.

Thoughts? Comments? Complaints? Compliments? Backhanded Compliments?

posted by Robotpolisher 2:59 PM ::
Comments:
waaah! the white lion mp3 doesn't load!!!!! I want my disco/cheese metal fix!!!

Oh, and "Dear Mr. Jesus" is one of the WORST songs ever...  
Sorry, here's a better link...  
For some reason blogger's being idiotic and not letting me update. but er, here's the link to the White Lion Jam  
Oh sweet mother of mercy... I think I had a religious experience listening to that White Lion trance mix.  
haha, it's pretty amazing. I'm really kind of starting to regret not putting the White Lion remix in my actual mix. could have sewn up the competition right there...

Must find out what else Mark Oh has "accomplished".  
That's tragic! I used to like White Lion (at least before the remake of Radar Love...or was it Cherokee?) but that's just wrong on so many levels. I don't even want to know where you would find something like that...  
Yeah it was Radar Love they covered. And yeah the remix is really pretty tragic.

Oh and I wasn't kidding when I said that Vito Brata shreds. Seriously check out the guitar solo on "Wait". That shit's killer, but very melodic.

As for where that remix came into my life, I can't even begin to guess. It just turned up in my mp3 folder like it was willed there.  
What the hell is wrong with Ska? Boy... go back to your roots. Ok.. maybe not Teenageage Fanclub--back.. but you know.. come on... Pie Tasters? Slackers? Ok.. screw Third Wave.. You have to love Prince Buster.. or Toots, Ethiopians, Dekker.. come'on.. I know you still listen it to from time to time and get nostalgic. It's good timeless music.  
What the hell is wrong with Ska? Boy... go back to your roots. Ok.. maybe not Teenageage Fanclub--back.. but you know.. come on... Pie Tasters? Slackers? Ok.. screw Third Wave.. You have to love Prince Buster.. or Toots, Ethiopians, Dekker.. come'on.. I know you still listen it to from time to time and get nostalgic. It's good timeless music.  
No no, you're totally right. Actually I still listen to a ton of ska, especialy older stuff and a few of the bands like the slackers and scofflaws that I loved from the third wave. but let's be honest, a lot of that stuff is seriously cringeworthy shit :)  
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